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Is it too much to ask?

shrugs

It was a sunny day but in my world it was always gray. But Once there was a time when everyday was always sunny,

what the fuck is happening?
Sometimes, I could get my shit together, trying to figure out life and make dreams.
another times, I would just lay, sit or whatever , scrolling to memes all over my instagram and cry.
Crying is a daily routine that I shouldn’t miss
I would do it till i feel tired and fall asleep.
I am exhausted feeling this way all over again.
I try to be better everyday but small things often triggered me.
It probably takes only 2 minutes to ruin the whole thing
and It takes minimum a fucking week to get back and clear my mind from the mist.
I don’t know if I am feeling better or just in a point where i don’t care about life anymore.
Insecurities, Anxiety,and other shitty feelings keep coming to me.
I am trying my best to look like  happy
but most of time, I failed
I don’t want to bring negativity all over my circles
I tried to hide, I tried to be happy but it was all temporary.
Worst thing, I am afraid to push my closed one away.
I am in a battle with my mind and heart.
sometimes, I would think that he doesn’t really deserve this,
That there are so many beautiful and happy individual out there
but he chose me
I know that if i constantly being in this condition, I might slowly pushed him away.
I never want that to happen, not in a million years.
I just don’t know what to do to overcome this feeling.
I don’t know..
I don’t even know why i feel this way
Everything is perfect
A loving boyfriend, A loving bestfriends and freedom.
what more that I want?
 maybe I put high expectations
then I slowly realize nothing last forever
and It fucking hurts
I seen shit in my life, the not fairytale story.
People leave and I hate that.
I just wished they simply never leave.
Is that too much to ask?