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Is it too much to ask?

shrugs

It was a sunny day but in my world it was always gray. But Once there was a time when everyday was always sunny,

what the fuck is happening?
Sometimes, I could get my shit together, trying to figure out life and make dreams.
another times, I would just lay, sit or whatever , scrolling to memes all over my instagram and cry.
Crying is a daily routine that I shouldn’t miss
I would do it till i feel tired and fall asleep.
I am exhausted feeling this way all over again.
I try to be better everyday but small things often triggered me.
It probably takes only 2 minutes to ruin the whole thing
and It takes minimum a fucking week to get back and clear my mind from the mist.
I don’t know if I am feeling better or just in a point where i don’t care about life anymore.
Insecurities, Anxiety,and other shitty feelings keep coming to me.
I am trying my best to look like  happy
but most of time, I failed
I don’t want to bring negativity all over my circles
I tried to hide, I tried to be happy but it was all temporary.
Worst thing, I am afraid to push my closed one away.
I am in a battle with my mind and heart.
sometimes, I would think that he doesn’t really deserve this,
That there are so many beautiful and happy individual out there
but he chose me
I know that if i constantly being in this condition, I might slowly pushed him away.
I never want that to happen, not in a million years.
I just don’t know what to do to overcome this feeling.
I don’t know..
I don’t even know why i feel this way
Everything is perfect
A loving boyfriend, A loving bestfriends and freedom.
what more that I want?
 maybe I put high expectations
then I slowly realize nothing last forever
and It fucking hurts
I seen shit in my life, the not fairytale story.
People leave and I hate that.
I just wished they simply never leave.
Is that too much to ask?

 

Journal

My Friend

Note : If you experience something like this, You’re not alone. There are actually countless people out there facing this problem. It takes time to find that you’re not alone but for those, who never experience something like this and happen to read. I beg you to not label them as weird or freak, it just their way to cope up with their problems. You better be listening and be nice to them.

Continue reading “My Friend”

Relationship

An Insight for Interfaith Couple

Disclaimer : This article is written for anyone out there who are currently in love but being held back by having different beliefs and in confusion. Also it is written especially for individuals who grew up in a conservative background.
Dating

I would say,most of us are attracted to someone physically for the first time.Although physical attraction is very subjective but that is the first stage for someone to make an approach. And this show, Religion is one of the least consideration when we first decided to talk to someone. Then, if you are a single individual, let’s say in your late 20’s and desperate looking for a partner. I would not recommend you to put ” Religion” to be your priority. I will tell you later why you shouldn’t do that.Then, next stage of early relationship, begin by talking with a prospective partner in order to know them better, inside and out. After we know them at least 40% of their hobby, passion, motivation and interest we begin to decide to put this particular person into a box; ( a friend, soon to be partner, or a best friend). So, from here, i assume you know their religion background. Here comes the problem, You like that particular individual, but it turned out they have different religion background so you decided to let them go for good.Meanwhile, your hearth aches, you can’t simply let them go, you want to convert them but it’s nearly impossible and you’ve been getting sleepless night. So what can you do? When The religion is against your relationship and so is your family as they’re old-fashioned and fancy a wedding in an old beautiful church, synagogue, mosque (name it yourself). Do you want to sacrifice your happiness for what they want? Haven’t you sacrificed your freedom enough?

The answer
The ugly truth is that, reality does not align perfectly with religion. In our daily life, we often see some of unique relationship that works; them against the world. If you happen to grow up in a conservative background there will be this kind of rule; a catholic must marry a catholic, a muslim must marry a muslim, a hindu must marry a hindu and so on. This rule seemed  to be rigid, while the only thing i see here is that they want to maintain the teachings and the community. I think that if what you seek is happiness, you should find your way and choose to be non conformist.
We are not simply defined by religion. Religion does not fully shape our personality as there are other main factors such as environment, society and also experience. It is simply unacceptable to cut a tie with the person we love because religion differences. Religion should never be a reason for you to do it, just because it is a religion law and you’re afraid to be a sinner or worse ditched by your family. First thing first, you are responsible of your own self, your individual rights, not even society or religion should restrict they way you want to lead it. Most of the time, we forget our individual rights because we are too accustomed listening and trying to please people. While i am also aware that we are motivated and influenced by the fear.
The fear comes in different form and it depends on the individual. In this case, i would pick three major fears; The fear of sin, The fear of being non conformist and the fear of our parents. Truth about  Fear is that we have been injected ever since we were a toddler and it is hardly removed from our mind. now let me explain further.
First, the fear of sin, aren’t we making sin in our daily basis?So why should we fear making a sin for love? because basically we commit the cycle of rinse and repeat.
Second, The fear of being non conformist. I know it takes courage to be unique and different from the rest but why not? you have some outshine qualities and a life you dream of.So, why not being a non conformist for a love you have been waiting all this life? will you just let it all go, then lead your lonely life once again, whining everywhere about being single and say ” Maybe, God will send them in perfect time”, truth is there’s never a perfect time.
Third, The fear of parents. Okay so we love them, they raised us emotionally and financially. In return we followed whatever they told us to. Yet now, you’re a grown individual, You’ve seen some ugly shits of life yet  still clinging to your parents when it comes to deciding your life partner. Again, it is you who will lead the life, It is not your parents who will experience it, so do not let your parents decide the way you will lead a life for the next several years. You’ve had it enough.
In short, do not let those three fears stop you from achieving one important aspect of your life. If your relationship and love are worth fighting for, go for it do not let anything stop you. You are responsible for your choices and it is only you.
Another Insight
This is a personal opinion written based on society i live in. It surprises me how most parents advised their children should marry based on religion. Parents put it on top of the list of the requirements apart from wealth and looks. What more surprising is that, personality would be less considered. One simply can not judge someone by appearance and wealth. Let’s say you have a religion, but that does not simply make you a good or bad human being.
Here is an evidence of what i say relating to parents and religion :
” Seven years ago, i met a guy who i was close with and my foster parents know about it. They love the guy because he was good looking, having the same religious background and wished i could be with him. My foster mother would also talk to him over the skype and even talk to his family. Yet there lies an ugly truth, He shown a violent behavior, unfaithful and a complete cheater. So i decided to cut the ties because of that. Later on, i get close to some guy who came from different religious background yet my foster mother kept asking me ” why can’t i be just with the guy who has same religious background?” it also goes by keep asking about the previous guy which was completely annoying even after years later on. My foster mother told me that having a relationship with different religion would bring complications such as acceptance,society and so on. From that on, they set a strict rule that i should be married to a man from same religion. However, i began to grow and find my way that they aren’t and will never be responsible about the life i lead on especially when I am out in the wildness of the world”
Apart from that, I have personally met a lot of douche who claim themselves to be ” religious” yet they are the most hideous form of human being. I have also met the kind of person who doesn’t pray in daily basis, or who don’t even believe in any of it but simply a gem among us. I would like to emphasize and remind you that religion, shouldn’t be your top list on deciding a life time partner. It should be personality above all. Yet now, i leave these options to you.
a. Be a complete happy and a free human being acquiring your rights
                                       or
b. Be a conformist and masking your happiness waiting your time to die.
Bonsoir,
M
travel

Seven days in island of gods| Final chapter

 

 

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21 January 2017

 

One more day before college start!!

The last day at Bali….

My boyfriend and I spent amazing week in Bali, we got to know each other more. We had  little fuss all the way especially when it comes about direction. I was the one who drive and he was my navigator. I sometimes couldn’t hear him so i often missed place or  a turn over.

Bali is simply amazing, i could never get enough of it and wished to settle there for like 2 or 3 years then move to another place where it is as equal as heaven.

The only thing i did in the morning was packing and voila! we carried excessive baggage. We did simple shopping because we weren’t carrying enough clothes and we have to buy and dressed up like a tourist. We also purchased some Balinese coffee. We came earlier to the airport  and roamed around. It was actually a bad idea because there was nothing much to do other than visiting the shops and walk around from one corner to another. I got so bored here while waiting for the flight  while my boyfriend spend a lot in the toilet.

When it comes to eating, it’s like a lottery, especially for a traveler who wished to try food from street stall. They should be careful, prepare your diarrhea medicine as early as possible. Also, bring your own napkin as it is always the best option since most of restaurants are bit stingy. I think people need to increase their hygiene level because it’s bit uncomfortable getting sickness while traveling.

If you come from colder countries, never ever forget a sunscreen and sunburn lotion, you will need and rely on this a lot. We really regret to not bring those items with us and as a result, we got sunburn and didn’t even seem to heal any sooner.

Bali definitely worth your time and your money. It offers more than just a stunning landscape. jokingly speaking Bali offers companion, and anything which you wouldn’t be able to get back home. Apparently it seems as long as you’re tall and white everyone will easily attach to you like a puppy.

Don’t be surprised when people cat calling ” mister” or  ” how are you”, they’re just trying to be polite and ask you whether you’re interested in buying whatever they sell. Multiple times we got offer with items like ” condom” and  ” viagra” well you name it. They did that even while i was driving my motorbike as they shout from the pavement. I simply ignored and rode away.

” Bon dieau, these people” that’s what often comes from my mouth.

These writings are purely based on our experience while traveling to Bali, each of us might get different experience or exposure due the neighborhood which we chose to stay.So people feel free to always write and share your experience to the world as it cost nothing to simply tell the truth and its peculiarity.

Have a safe travel and have a great time

sante!!!

 

 

 

 

travel

Seven days in island of gods| Part V

18 january 2017

We explored our surroundings in our fifth day in Bali. In the morning we decided not to take breakfast from the hotel and went to domino instead. Fortunately, The hotel is near to KFC, Domino and several convenient stores. It was a sunny day and the road was slight busy. It didn’t take long for us to walk as it was only 0.80 km away. As soon as we entered the domino, my boyfriend spotted a blondie girl with cycle helmet and vegan tattoo on her wrist, her knee and the shoulders. We were assuming that she was a vegan and she mesmerized us by eating at Domino which obviously a highly processed food plus, less healthier and from that point of view, my boyfriend and i looked at each other in an awe.

As we finished ordering our pizza, we took a seat near the window and that girl was sitting outside the restaurant while waiting her order. I put on music while my boyfriend was reading something on his mobile. Nothing special until once her order got delivered and sat back on her chair. What she did next, got us surprised!

She opened the pizza box and suddenly rose up from her chair. She took the pizza box and placed it on the fuckin dirty floor. We were really surprised and decided to watch her further action. Then, she grabbed her phone and took picture of it. She took several  pictures from different angle and our expression that time was priceless. Next, she got up with the pizza box and sat back then she typed something along with its picture. She opened the box and ate only two pizza then throw the rest on the garbage.

He and i told our friends about that and his friend thought it was an indonesian who did that, but no! she wasn’t indonesian. I get it  that Indonesian or Asian in general is stereotyped  as the kind who take pictures of every single food they’ve consume yet that proves us something different.

As we finished our brunch, we decided to try an indoor activities which we previously googled and our choice goes to Totem room escape. We picked indoor activities because he kinda dislike going outdoor in the heat. uh, well Bali is frickkin hot even I can’t stand the heat.

Totem room escape is a reality escape room which will pump your adrenaline and test your patience plus intelligence to solve  puzzles and mystery. There are several rooms with different levels. We picked the second hardest room which is Kidnapped room. It is a room with a story plot of kidnapping and a murder. It was scary enough and quite dark inside with scattered books, fake bloods, cold room and a ticking bomb sound. It freaked the hell out of me. If you go with little kids, I recommend something easier like Alice in wonderland. Sadly, We weren’t able to solve all of the puzzles. By the end of the game, They took polaroid picture of us and asked us to stick it on their wall along with other pictures. We really had fun time there, especially when i jumped in scare due to sudden and shocking sound of exploding bomb.

On the way back to our hotel, we passed through jalan seminyak. There was a traffic jam and i tried to drive very slowly to avoid colliding with another vehicles. As i struggled my way out there, i spotted several bare naked foreigners riding the motorbike savagely and yelling shit as if the road was himself. I raised my eyebrows and turned back to look at my boyfriend.

It is such a struggle sometimes to pass jalan seminyak and the surroundings especially in night and afternoon. The road is small but overcrowded with motorbike and taxis. Goddammit, the taxi in Bali drive slowly as a snail and it is pain in the ass. Surprisingly, there is no excessive honks and almost none is yelling shit to one another or being asked to move faster. Again, the road in Bali is lethal, be ready to die anytime.

Bali is like a whole different world unattached to Indonesia stereotype. it is truly a heaven on earth. Even some would know Bali but not Indonesia. I even would love to settle there because well, we can get beer and pork easily. Apart from that, they just don’t give a damn about your religion or your story.